The Black Lillian Saga
by KnightMysterio
Summary: A series of short drabbles inspired by some particularly funny Organization XIII fanarts by artist Black Lillian. Rated T for content in later chapters. First chapter: Price Cut on Isle XIII
1. Price Cut on Isle XIII

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
_**Price Cut on Isle XIII  
**_By KnightMysterio   
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

_Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the next five stories are inspired by. I'll post a link to her DeviantArt site in my next story._

_Castle that Never Was...  
Kitchen of Empty Stomachs…  
_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xemnas thought it would be a simple task for Xaldin to follow. Really. He did.

He really should have known better by now. Ever since that disastrous incident with Naminé and Larxene a few weeks back.

The silver-haired Nobody sighed, sitting down at the kitchen table with Xaldin, staring at the long, serrated-edge knife on the table, sitting next to a couple bags of groceries, both of which had cutting implements of varying stabbity-ness. Xemnas picked up the grocery list sitting near the bags and looked at it, an irritated expression on his face. Across the table, Xaldin was idly twirling once of his lances in midair, his braids bouncing idly in the wind he used to play with his weapon.

Xemnas glared at the Whirlwind Lancer, and said, "Xaldin. The grocery list asks for lettuce, toilet paper, corn flakes for Vexen, tomato soup, meadow fresh deodorant for Marluxia, and…" Xemnas frowned at the list, "…it seems that Axel wanted a bunny."

Xaldin frowned at his Superior, letting his lance drop into his hand and saying, "…Yeah…"

Xemnas glared at Xaldin and point accusatorily at the knife on the table. "This is not meadow fresh deodorant," he said, "This is a knife."

Xaldin shrugged, throwing his hands up. "We needed knives?"

Xemnas scowled, and looked at the list again. "Where is the lettuce, toilet paper, corn flakes, and tomato soup?"

Xaldin frowned, and tried to think of a reasonable excuse. "Um… The store was out. Out of… all that… all that… right…" he said, grinning lamely.

Xemnas felt the familiar twinge of a migraine coming on. For someone without a heart, his Organization tended to get on his nerves quite a lot. He glared at Xaldin and said, "Uh huh… And the bunny?"

Xaldin glanced at the bags. "Ah…"

Xemnas blinked, and noticed for the first time that one of the bags was leaking blood. He grimaced.

Xaldin grinned weakly, and said, "You don't want to know about the bunny."

"Xaldin you stabbity idiot…"


	2. Even Villains Need Groceries Part 1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
_**Even Villains Need Groceries  
Chapter 1**_  
_By KnightMysterio   
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian  
_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the next four stories are inspired by. Here's a link to the rest of her stuff: http://blacklillian. deviantart. com

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
Twilight Town…  
Sunset Groceries…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A black, unmarked van with the Organization XIII logo pulled into the far end of the parking lot, far away from any other cars. The driver's side door opened, and an imposing, silver-haired, visibly-irritated man got out.

"All right," Xemnas said to his passengers, "We're here. Xaldin, you stay in the car."

"WHAT?!" Xaldin asked, his voice indignant, "WHY?!"

Xemnas scowled at him. "Because the last time YOU went shopping, furry things DIED. Now let's move, people."

Four other Nobodies followed Xemnas out of the car. Xigbar and Demyx kept pace with Xemnas, occasionally making jokes about the fat people they saw in the parking lot. Roxas trailed behind them all, wondering why he was even here. And fire-haired Axel loped behind them all, glaring at the van.

Xemnas was the first to get to the door, when he noticed Axel lagging behind.

"Hurry up, Axel!" he snapped, going inside the store.

Axel snapped his fingers. Inside the gas tank of the van, a spark occurred.

Then the van exploded.

Axel watched in amusement as a charred, screaming Xaldin was thrown from the van, his wind powers quickly putting out his flaming hair and clothes.

They did not, however, cushion the Nobody from landing on his face on the pavement.

Axel grinned viciously. "Coming!" he said in a sing-songy voice, adding under his breath, "That's for Mr. Bunny, BITCH."

Xigbar snickered at Axel, elbowing him playfully in the stomach, as Demyx and Roxas just looked at him in amusement. Xemnas, meanwhile, was busy trying to resist the urge to just kill Axel immediately.

The five of them made their way into the store, Xemnas pulling out a couple pages of notes from his pocket.

"Okay," he said, "The Grocery List is as follows. Page One: Orange juice, milk, cheese, eggs, tuna, and chocolate. Page Two: Paper towels, glue, hair ties, bottled water, bandaids, and Tylenol." Xemnas nodded, and was about to hand page two to Xigbar, when he noticed something on the bottom of the list.

"Hm? Oh, I didn't see that last one. Larxene's handwriting is kind of hard to read. T… A… M…" Xemnas froze, his mind reeling in revulsion. "TAMPONS?!!?" he shrieked, getting varying reactions of shock and revulsion from the other gathered males.

Before the more powerful Nobody could react, Xigbar teleported page one of the grocery list out of Xemnas's hands and into his own. "Right. Page one, all of us. Mad cool." he said, he, Demyx, and Axel bolting down another isle, Axel shoving Roxas along and giving Xemnas's page of the grocery list a frightened look.

Xemnas stared balefully down at his page, and then glared at the others. "I hate you all…" he muttered, pulling a cart out and heading down an isle, debating the merits of pulling his hood over his head.

Meanwhile…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Safely in the freezer section, Xigbar, Axel, and Demyx were comparing notes while Roxas looked at the ice cream.

Xigbar glared at the first page on the list. "Whoa, Xemmy's one to talk. His handwriting totally bites! 'Groceries' looks like 'grocones!'"

Demyx giggled. "Heh. Grocones. That's Spanish for 'balls.'"

Xigbar blinked. "Wha? Why would YOU know…"

Axel sneered at Demyx. "That's CAJONES, you dumbass."

Roxas blinked, and gave Axel a confused look. "…Axel? How do you know that?"

Xigbar sighed. "We'll tell you when you're older, little dude" he said, shoving Demyx forward as Axel flinched away from him in revulsion, "Now go find some of these for me, will ya? Thanks."

Xigbar tossed a pink post-it note over his shoulder as he, Axel, and Demyx disappeared down another isle, Axel grabbing a loose cart. Roxas caught the note, which had heart markings on it (obviously stolen from Marluxia's room), and whimpered when he read the single word on the note.

Xigbar wanted him to find condoms.

Three isles over…   
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xigbar shoved Demyx against a wall and grinned. "And now you. Shopping foul: Abuse of a foreign language," he said.

Axel grinned mischeviously. "Penalty time?"

Xigbar nodded. "Penalty time."

Demyx gulped nervously as Xigbar and Axel loomed over him. "P-Penalty?"

Meanwhile…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xemnas stood in the middle of the Feminine Hygiene Products isle, staring up at the many different packages of tampons with a look of revulsion on his face.

He sighed. "Kingdom Hearts, strike me dead where I stand," he muttered, grabbing a package at random and hoping to whatever God there was that protected wayward Nobodies that no one saw him.

Almost immediately after he put the package in the cart, he heard the sound of Demyx screaming. The young Nobody, wrapped head to foot in toilet paper and stuffed roughly into a grocery cart, was barreling headlong down the isles, screaming for help. He crashed roughly into the produce isle, a watermelon landing roughly on his crotch.

"Owww…" he moaned, "My grocones…"

Xemnas didn't even turn around. He was busy trying to talk himself out of giving them to Vexen for one of his sicker experiments.

Meanwhile…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Roxas had found the condom rack. Although he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.

"They come in SIZES!?" he shrieked.

Poor kid.

_To Be Continued…_


	3. Even Villains Need Groceries Part 2

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
_**Even Villains Need Groceries  
Chapter 2  
**By KnightMysterio   
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian_  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

_Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the next three stories are inspired by. Here's a link to the rest of her stuff: http://blacklillian. deviantart. com_

Twilight Town…  
Sunset Groceries…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Forty minutes after they arrived, the Organization XIII members finished their shopping. Xemnas, trying not to look at the tampon package, the colorful label clearly sticking out amongst the rest of the groceries, met up with Xigbar, Axel, and Demyx at the front isle and added his stuff to the pile already on the checkout line. He sighed, stepping in to pay for the money.

Xigbar and Axel noticed the tampon package and snickered. Demyx noticed the latest issue of Villain Cosmopolitan and began reading it eagerly. Xemnas just put his hands over his eyes and sighed. "One word out of you three and I let Xaldin have his stabbity way with you."

Axel snickered, and said, "I'm not sure which sounds worse. The interpretation of that with the innuendo, or without."

Xigbar chortled, leaning back on the checkout counter behind him, slipping a little when he didn't step back far enough to actually put his arms on the counter. Xemnas glowered at Axel. "Your parents should have been shot for making you," he muttered. He then realized the cashier was speaking to him. "I'm sorry, what?" he said to the woman, who was ugly enough to make Ursula look like a Disney Princess.

"I'm sorry, sir," she (Xemnas assumed it was a she) said in a horribly nasal voice, her hand on the package of tampons, "but the price isn't coming up on these."

The cashier held up the pink, flowery box and looked it over. She sighed and said in her awful voice, "I'm sorry, but the barcode on this box of tampons seems to be damaged. Let me do a price check."

Xemnas's normally dark skinned paled to the color of the Kingdom Hearts moon. "Oh dear god…" he moaned, staring in abject horror at the woman as she brought the microphone to her lips.

"CAN I GET A PRICE CHECK ON ONE BOX OF MOUNTAIN BREEZE, QUIET PACKAGE," the cashier said in a horribly loud voice.

Xigbar laughed. "Hah. Xemmy's got a quiet package."

Axel and Demyx giggled, Demyx having the good sense to hide his face in the magazine he was reading. Xemnas snarled. "I heard that and I'm killing you all," he growled, doing a fairly accurate impression of Saix on the verge of a berserker rampage.

The cashier continued, Xemnas's eyes growing steadily wider as he squirmed nervously. _Is it just me or is she getting louder with each word? _he thought.

"EXTRA LARGE, COLLAPSABLE, EASY APPLICATION, PEARL TIP…" the cashier said.

Xemnas whimpered, throwing a huge munny crystal on table. "Look. HERE. Ten thousand munny! KEEP THE CHANGE. But I'm begging you, don't say…"

"…tampons…" the cashier said. The word was whispered, but to Xemnas, it seemed like everyone in the store heard her say it. He screamed, finally having had more than enough.

"YES! TAMPONS!" he roared, floating into the air as red lightning crackled around his body, his golden eyes glowing with madness, "I, XEMNAS, SUPERIOR OF THE ORGANIZATION, MASTER OF ALL NOBODIES, LORD OF CASTLE OBLIVION AND THE WORLD THAT NEVER WAS, FINAL BOSS OF KINGDOM HEARTS II, AM BUYING TAMPONS! LITTLE THINGS LARXENE WANTS TO STICK IN HER UNMENTIONABLES FOR REASONS I AND MY Y-CHROMOSONES CANNOT POSSIBLY COMPREHEND!! TAMPONS!"

He laughed wildly, and landed near the cashier, grabbing the microphone from her hands. "Let's say it some more!" he said, practically shrieking into the microphone, "Tampons tampons tampons tampons TAMPONS!"

Spreading his arm dramatically, he wailed, "TAAAAAMMMMPOOOOONNNSSS!!!"

Finally having gotten it out of his system, he stopped, glaring at the cashier and catching his breath.

Then he realized that everyone was staring at him.

His eyes grew wide and watery, and he began to sob, hiding his face in his hands as he cried.

Xigbar smiled warmly, paying the munny needed and taking back the ten-thousand crystal, leading the sobbing Xemnas out of the store, waving goodbye to everyone. "Have a nice daaayeee!" Xigbar said, giggling.

Axel and Demyx, loading the groceries into the cart, stared after their crying leader in amusement and amazement.

"There goes a broken man," Axel said.

"No kidding," Demyx said, paying separately for his magazine.

Meanwhile…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Roxas was still staring in horror at the condom rack.

"They come in FLAVORS!?!"

Poor, poor kid.

_The End.  
Up Next: The Untold Story_


	4. The Untold Story Part 1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
_**The Untold Story  
Chapter 1  
**By KnightMysterio   
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian_  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the next two stories are inspired by.

Castle that Never Was…  
Room of Rest II…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xigbar yawned, quietly clicking away on his computer, perusing various internet sites. He found a few porn sites that looked interesting, but most of them were pay sites and Xemnas refused to let anyone have a credit card. He giggled slightly, remembering the grocery store incident a few weeks ago (Xemmy was STILL traumatized by it), and typed in a random phrase in Google, clicking search.

What he found brought a wide smile to his face.

"DUDE!" he yelled to Axel, who was playing Halo on Xigbar's Xbox 360, "Hey Axel!"

"I don't want to see it, Xigbar!" Axel snapped.

Xigbar giggled. "Yes, yes you do!"

Axel sighed, and put down the controller. He was losing, anyway. As he head into the room, he said, "For the last time, I'm not into domin… what the hell is that?" He stared at the image on the screen, confused.

Xigbar grinned wickedly. "For us? Gold. For Xemmy?…"

Room of Rest I…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xemnas was busily writing a report on the past couple of missions. But as he did, his pencil suddenly broke off at the tip.

Xemnas frowned, an ominous feeling overwhelming him.

"The last time I checked…" he said, mainly to himself, "Sora was off making ears bleed with some bint in a clam bra. …So why does it suddenly feel like impending doom?"

Room of Rest II…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Axel gave the web page a thoughtful look. "Interesting… But one problem: we're missing, ah, 'supplies,' as it were."

Xigbar just waved off his concerns. "We'll just borrow them, hombre."

Axel gave Xigbar a horrified look. "That's SUICIDE!"

Xigbar smirked. "CHILL, ye of little faith. I've got a plan. Now go get Roxas and meet me in the hall by her bathroom."

Near the Void of Cleansing XII…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"I don't know about this, Axel…" Roxas said as they walked into the hallway.

Axel shook his head, sighing, "Neither do I, buddy… Okay, so what's this plan of yours, Xigbar?"

Xigbar snickered… and then threw a lacy white bra at Roxas, screaming "ROXAS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH LARXENE'S BRA, YOU LITTLE PERV!?!"

Roxas, the bra dangling from his hair, gave Xigbar a horrified look.

Axel shook his head, staring incredulously at Xigbar. "You're a sick man."

A loud scream of rage, following by the tell-tale sound of massive amounts of electricity, echoed from the bathroom.

Xigbar giggled. "Run, little dude. Run FAST."

Roxas ran. He called on all his powers of light to move as fast as he could.

Larxene caught him anyway.

Axel winced as he heard the screams coming from far down the hallway. "Look, I know we're villains and all, but that was LOW."

Xigbar rolled his eye as he rummaged through Larxene's drawers. "Meh, it's a learning experience."

_Learning what? _Axel thought.

"HOLY GOD I THINK THAT WAS A VITAL!" Roxas screamed, his voice nearly drowned out by Larxene's. To Axel's horror, she had started to laugh. She always was at her most sadistic when she was laughing…

"Ah," Xigbar said, pulling out an open package, "here we go."

"NO, LARXENE, PLEASE, I NEED THAT TO --- AAAUGH!!! MOMMY MOMMY MAKE IT STOP!!" Roxas wailed.

Axel swallowed hard. Visibly shaking, he went over to his accomplice and said, "Xigbar, we are teetering on the precipice of the kind of death I wouldn't wish on MICHAEL JACKSON. LISTEN to that!" He pointed out the door, where Roxas was still screaming.

Xigbar shrugged. "Builds character," he said, standing up, "Shall we be on our way?"

Axel nodded, feeling slightly numb. The two of them walked out of Larxene's private bathroom and back into the hallway. Vexen met them there, a slightly revolted look on his face.

"Axel," he said, "it seems that Larxene is strangling our young friend with his own inte…"

"HOLD ON LITTLE BUDDY, I'M COMING!" Axel shrieked, teleporting away in a wave of darkness.

"…Interestingly resilient coat ties," Vexen finished. He turned to Xigbar, spotting the box in his hands. "And might I inquire as to what you are doing with THOSE?" he asked, pointing to the box.

A wide grin on his face, Xigbar said, "I found instructions online for a tampon gun!"

Vexen stared at him thoughtfully.

From down the hall, Axel screamed, "Oh my god! And I thought XIGBAR was twisted!!"

Vexen frowned at Xigbar. "You know that this can only end in tragedy," he said.

"Is that…" Axel said, "Are those his… woooo…." A loud thud as Axel fainted reached the two of elder Nobodies.

Xigbar giggled and gave Vexen a thumbs up. "The look on Xemmy's face is TOTALLY gonna be worth it!"

Larxene snarled. "…The hell kinda pansy faints?! It's not like it can't be reattached…"

_To Be Continued…_


	5. The Untold Story Part 2

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
_**The Untold Story  
Chapter 2  
**_By KnightMysterio   
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

_Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the next two stories are inspired by. For the record, the tampon gun does exist. It's very disturbing. And in case you're wondering, yes, this does throw continuity out the window. Also, the scenes with Vexen, Demyx, Marluxia, the first scene with Saix, and the scene with Naminé were added on by me, and not in the actual fanart. The Luxord scene was modified as well, as I couldn't think of anything else to do with Xaldin and Lexaeus._

Castle that Never Was…  
Room of Rest II…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Knife?" Xigbar asked.

"Knife," Axel said, handing him the cutting impliment.

"Fittings?"

"Fittings."

"Glue gun?"

"Glue gun."

After a few more minutes, their creation was finished. Xigbar brandished his creation and laughed ominously.

"I am become death, destroyer of worlds!" he said in a very Xemnas-like fashion.

"J. Robert Oppenheimer, said upon his creation of the atomic bomb," Axel added, smirking.

Xigbar grinned at him. "Tasteless joke?"

Axel laughed. "HOO yeah!"

Xigbar laughed and handed him an 'ammo' belt. "Let's do this."

Room of Rest I

A few minutes later…

Xemnas was busily writing a new report on his own last mission. But then his pencil broke again.

_Villain senses tingling…_he thought, turning towards the entrance to the room. "Show yourself," he demanded in his most imposing voice.

A tampon struck him in the forehead.

"Beh?" he said, picking up the small, cotton object.

Xigbar and Axel giggled… and then went full-auto on him.

"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" Xemnas said, flailing his arms and falling off of his chair, tampons raining down on him.

The two pranksters giggled and teleported away, appearing near Roxas's room.

"Aaah, it's the little things that make life worth living," Xigbar said, pulling a tampon out of his ammo belt and admiring it.

_Little things? _Axel thought, _I guess he'd know…_ He stared at Roxas's room for a minute and said, "Oh, hey, gimmie a sec."

He walked into Roxas's room. He smiled warmly and pointed to the tampon gun. Roxas, sitting on his bed and reading a Sailor Moon manga, glared at him, idly scratching the bandages wrapped around his middle.

"Hey Roxas," Axel said, "You wanna come with?"

If looks could kill, then Roxas would have reduced Axel to a smear just then. "Let's think about this Axel. Let's think _really hard_."

Axel frowned sadly. "…No?"

Roxas fumed. "Considering a Hazmat team is _still_ trying to scrape together what Larxene left of my internal organs? _NO_."

Axel giggled nervously. "Maybe disembowelment is a sign of affection in her culture?"

Roxas glared at him. "Right, because nothing says I love you like a _STEAMING PILE OF VITALS._"

Axel grinned weakly. "…Heheh… Yeah, that was bad…"

Roxas shook his head. "For crying out loud, the DUSKS threw up when they saw it! And they don't have anything to throw up WITH!!"

Axel, getting the idea, left the room, meeting up with Xigbar in the hallway.

_Well, NOW what am I going to get him for Christmas? _Axel thought grumpily. "He didn't want to."

Xigbar wasn't surprised. "Well, I know just the thing to make it all better."

Axel sighed. "What?"

Xigbar giggled, his expression all sunshine, butterflies and rainbows. "Shooting people with tampons!"

Axel sneered, his expression all fire and evil intentions. "GOOD PLAN."

Both men vanished in a single wave of darkness.

Library of Meaningless Stories…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Zexion quietly sat reading his enchanted book. Normally, it was a dictionary (when he wasn't using it as an enchanted weapon), but he had long ago learned that he could replace the text inside with the entirety of any book he had ever read in his life. Right now, he was reading one of his favorite pieces.

Then the illusionist's hyper-sensitive nose noticed something.

"I smell… mountain-fresh absorbent cotton?" he said, confusion evident in his voice.

A tampon hit him in the back of the head.

"HA!" Xigbar laughed.

"GOTCHA, EMO BOY!" Axel said.

Zexion snarled and whirled around with his book, intent on trapping them both inside it with his magic. But they had already teleported away, the green flash of Zexion's spell hitting nothing.

Room of Rest X…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Luxord grumbled as he applied the lipstick to his lips. He glared at himself in the mirror, at the blush, eyeliner, black dress and bunny ears with a pink bow he now wore, mentally trying to review what went wrong.

_I just had to make a bet like this, _Luxord angrily thought to himself.

Lexaeus and Xaldin stood nearby, Xaldin chuckling at Luxord's plight as Lexaeus took pictures.

"I still don't know how you did it, how you actually BEAT Luxord at Poker," Xaldin said, "But you are now my official hero."

Lexaeus just grinned.

Luxord snarled at them and said, "I wish you'd at least let me shave, so I don't look like a total fool,"

Lexaeus smirked. "I don't think so," he said, "Just keep getting ready. Once you're all set we'll show you to the others."

Luxord grumbled.

Then Axel and Xigbar kicked in the door, surprising the three of them and getting a shriek from Luxord. "BWAHA!" the two of them said, taking aim with their tampon guns.

Then they both just stared at Luxord, frozen and unable to move from the sight before them.

"This… This isn't what it looks like!" Luxord stammered.

Xaldin blinked at what the two of them were holding. "Are those tampon guns?"

Axel whimpered softly. Xigbar just grabbed Axel, teleporting the two of them away without a word."

Lexaeus blinked. "Why do I feel we just dodged a bullet?"

Xaldin snickered. "Or a tampon, as it were."

Luxord whimpered softly.

Hall of Empty Melodies…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The two pranksters found Demyx in his favorite place in the castle. The musician claimed the acoustics were just right in that place. Xigbar, getting an idea, teleported up onto one of the balconies and took a sniper position.

Demyx was quietly singing. Axel could never understand how he did it, but Demyx managed to play popular songs usually done on guitar and make them sound BETTER. It still lacked that one element needed to make it actually music, but Demyx was talented enough to make it sound good.

Axel was wondering why Xigbar was taking so long.

Xigbar was patiently waiting, his aim perfect. When Demyx opened his mouth wide for a long note, Xigbar smirked and pulled the trigger.

The tampon landed right in Demyx's mouth.

Both men cracked up laughing as Demyx choked on the cotton bit, teleporting away quickly as soon as Demyx got it out of his throat.

Demyx stared at the tampon idly, and discreetly washed it away. Larxene would handle vengeance for him.

Laboratory of Insane Ideas…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vexen sighed, staring at his latest experiment. "All right. I've managed to stabilize the compound. So long as it doesn't come into contact with any cotton, it should be fine."

Vexen nodded, and left the gelatinous goop on the table.

Axel and Xigbar, from their hiding place, giggled softly.

"Now is that an invitation, or is that an invitation?" Axel said, the two of them taking aim at the goop and firing.

The tampons struck the goop with no visible effects.

"What the…" Xigbar said. The two of them stepped out to investigate…

…and were immediately pelted with snowballs.

Vexen, standing next to a file cabinet, smirked at them. "Did you idiots really think my security systems wouldn't notice you come in?"

Xigbar and Axel traded looks and smirked at Vexen. Before the Chilly Academic could summon his shield, the two pranksters shot him in the face, hitting him in the eyes.

Xigbar and Axel laughed, leaving Vexen to scream in rage.

Addled Impasse…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xigbar and Axel took one look at Saix, who was smiling contentedly and staring at the moon, and thought better of it. They teleported away without a word.

Dungeon of Lost Souls…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Kairi sighed wearily, leaning against the bars of her cage. She wondered where Sora was, and hoped he'd get there soon. This place was depressing and boring. And on top of that, she didn't know how many more of their taunts she could take. Naminé was nice to her, but after Saix discovered her first attempt to free her, the blonde girl's visits were few and far between, usually cut short before she could make an attempt to free her by one of the minion Nobodies coming by.

She braced herself as she heard a pair of footsteps coming down the halls. She looked out, preparing to fling her own insults at whomever it was (she had come up with a few doozies).

Then a tampon hit her in the face.

Xigbar and Axel's laughter echoed down the hallways as they ran off.

Kairi whimpered softly, tears flowing down her face, and made a mental note to whomp Sora once she found out EXACTLY what was taking him so damn long...

Room of Rest I…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xemnas shivered in disgust as he tried to clean up the tampons scattered around the room. Feminine hygiene products disturbed him. It made him think of the more unpleasant female bodily functions, and he really didn't need that image so soon after lunch.

Xigbar and Axel peeked into his room again and grinned wickedly. "Why not?" Axel said after a moment.

They both went full-auto on Xemnas again.

Xemnas screamed as tampons rained down on him some more. "I will find you and destroy you all!!!" he bellowed. Axel and Xigbar laughed and teleported away.

Xemnas whimpered softly, tears flowing down his face, and made a mental note to let Saix mangle the two of them once he caught them.

Room of Soulless Art…  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Naminé sighed wearily. She sketched various ideas on how to free her other, discarding them just as quickly. If only she could figure out a way to distract the other members and the damn minion Nobodies at the same time…

Xigbar and Axel burst into her room. Frantically, she hid her sketches underneath the bed. She turned around, putting on her sweetest, most innocent smile…

And was promptly hit in the face with a pair of tampons fired with an almost cute-sounding pop.

Xigbar and Axel laughed wickedly and teleported away.

Naminé sighed. She should be used to mistreatment from them by now.

She picked up the tampons and sniffed them. _Hmm… Not my brand…_ She then smirked, getting a vicious idea, and teleported away.

She reappeared in Larxene's bathroom, where the Savage Nymph was angrily searching through her belongings.

"Dammit all, where did I put those things…"

Naminé idly threw a tampon at Larxene's head.

In an instant, Naminé was slammed up against the wall, a kunai pressed to her throat, Larxene's body crackling with electricity.

"Because you are a fellow female I will be generous and give you TEN seconds to explain yourself before I use your guts for some abstract artwork!" Larxene snapped.

Naminé smirked and held up the other tampons. "Guess what Axel and Xigbar have been doing all day."

The glow faded from Larxene's eyes for a moment, and then returned with greater intensity.

"BASTARDS!!" she roared.

Just a few feet away from the Garden of Hopeless Dreams…  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"GET BACK HERE!!" Marluxia bellowed, sending another scythe-wave after Xigbar and Axel, tampons dangling from his pink hair.

"S'matter, Marlo? I thought all girls used those!" Xigbar said, laughing wildly as he dodged the energy attack.

Marluxia let out a very Saix-like roar and summoned a blizzard of razor-edged petals, preparing to shred the two of them.

Xigbar teleported a chunk of floor out from underneath the Graceful Assassin, sending him into a fall to the floor below that was anything BUT graceful.

The two paused just outside the lounge, catching their breath. Axel was giggling wildly. He had never had this much before in his non-existent life!

Xigbar grinned. "That's it, dude, just get it all out of your system."

Axel smirked. After a bit, the two of them set out again.

"Anyone left" Axel said.

Xigbar grinned evilly, stopping. "Just one."

"Nah, Roxas didn't want to…"

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ROXAS."

Axel whirled, just in time to see a flaming tampon, charged up by Xigbar's own powers, heading towards him. Axel's ammo belt fell from his chest as his summoned his chakrams in a whirl of flame.

"Oh you cheap, team-killing WHORE!" Axel said indignantly.

Xigbar just grinned.

_To Be Continued…_


	6. The Untold Story Part 3

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
_**The Untold Story  
Chapter 3  
**_By KnightMysterio   
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

_Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the other stories in this anthology are inspired by. For the record, the tampon gun does exist. It's very disturbing._

_Castle that Never Was…_  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Axel artfully dodged the tampon, moving with the grace of someone from The Matrix. He flipped in midair, grabbing several tampons by the strings and setting them alight, swirling them around like fiery nunchuks before sending them flying at Xigbar.

Xigbar, moving with the skill of a John Woo movie character, flipped around the flaming tampons and returned fire, briefly taking cover behind a wall and reloading.

Saix wandered in as their firefight began anew. He shook his head, the moonlight from the skylight above the lounge shimmering down on his forehead, smooth and unmarked. He picked up a book that was laying on the coffee table and began reading from it.

"'Crack Baby Farming For Fun And Profit.' Hm. Must be something Larxene brought back from a mission," he said as he read the book casually.

Xigbar and Axel's firefight had descended into a brawl, the two grappling comically in a cloud of dust as they tried to beat the crap out of each other. A stray tampon landed near Saix, and he picked it up curiously.

_Speaking of things belonging to Larxene, _he said, picking up the tampon and staring at it curiously, never actually having seen one before. "Huh…"

He barely noticed as the door slammed open and a pissed-beyond-measure Larxene quite literally stormed in, her fury so great that she radiated a constant electrical aura. She saw Saix holding one of her tampons and in her rage, she decided to focus her wrath on him.

Normally she wouldn't try such a stunt. Saix outclassed everyone except Xemnas himself. But right now she was too pissed to care.

"GIMMIE THOSE," she snarled, dashing over to the brawl and grabbing Axel's chakrams from him. She flung them with tremendous accuracy, the twin weapons flying towards Saix and slashing him across the face.

Xemnas chose that exact moment to walk in. "Look, jackasses, don't make me… GUH…"

Saix's blood sprayed across Xemnas's face as the berserker went down screaming and clutching his face.

"OH GOD, OH GOD, MY FACE IS _BLEEDING_!!!" he said, writhing about in pain.

Larxene dusted her hands off, calmer now for having inflicted pain on someone.

Xigbar, Axel, and Xemnas stared at Saix in utter horror.

"Looks kinda like an 'X,'" Xigbar said after a moment, staring at the slashes on Saix's face, "Gnarly…"

Xigbar traded looks with Axel, took one look at Larxene, and then ran for their lives.

Xemnas shivered in disgust. Bodily functions of any kind disgusted him. "Oh… Oh, that's gonna leave a mark… Lots…"

Larxene snorted angrily and left the room. "I'm not cleaning this up…" she grumbled.

_Much later…_  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Xemnas grumbled angrily as he picked up the last of the scattered, mostly charred tampons, putting them all in a neat, orderly pile. He glared at the pile, standing on his knees as he gingerly pushed them all into something resembling a stack.

Larxene wandered back into the room, having grown bored with hearing Saix screaming for vengeance from the infirmary. She leaned casually against the wall, watching Xemnas work.

"Stupid tam… t-tam…" he muttered.

Larxene snickered. _Schmuck can't even say the word…_ she thought in amusement.

"Why does she need them, anyway?" Xemnas snapped.

Larxene grinned viciously. She knew an opportunity when she heard one. And it was so rare that she got chances to torment the more powerful Nobody…

"Because, _oh wise superior,_" she said, teleporting next to him and startling him enough to make him fall forward into the pile of tampons, "Being a female, even a female Nobody, requires my body to spew forth a veritable cornucopia of blood and tissue from orifices NO MAN SHALL EVER BEHOLD so long as he wishes to view what exists of his manhood without the assistance of a microscope and reconstructive surgery."

She paused to take a breath, noting with satisfaction that Xemnas looked green around the gills, and continued, "This is so that, were I still in possession of a Heart, I would be able to expel small, wailing children in order to counteract natural selection and ensure the survival of the species."

She smirked briefly, and then leaned in close to Xemnas's ear, adding, "In other words, Superior, I BLEED FROM THE VAGINA."

Xemnas moaned and quivered in outright disgust. Larxene had to bite back a giggle, keeping her usual mostly irritated expression on her face.

"Anything further questions, _sir_?" she asked.

Xemnas shook his head, his voice hoarse. "Nope. I'm good. For life. Yeah…"

Larxene nodded. "Then if you'll excuse me, I've Xigbar and Axel's brutal mutilation to get cracking on."

Xemnas nodded, unable to turn his head towards her. "Yeah. That's cool. Have a party."

Larxene nodded and skipped away, a smile on her face as she sang, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood…"

As she came to the lounge's exit, she looked back. Xemnas had his fists clenched, and was visibly trying not to cry.

_I'm cool. I will not cry. I'm cool. I will not cry. I will NOT CRY. I'm cool. I WILL NOT--- _he thought.

Larxene knew she'd probably regret it later. But it was just too great an opportunity to miss. She teleported right next to him and said "UUUUUUUUTERUS…" in a soft, wispy voice.

Xemnas screamed and began sobbing openly.

Larxene laughed viciously and teleported away. 

_THE END!_


End file.
